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There used to be a gorilla in the San Francisco Zoo that was kept in a cage with a thick plate of glass between it and the tourists. The reason is that the gorilla adopted a guerilla tactic and began throwing shit at the tourists. When the zoo officials realized the gorilla had no intention of changing his behavior they placed him behind glass. I felt sorry for the imprisoned gorilla, but the image of him throwing his feces at tourists gave me cheer. Therein lies an act of protest, I thought, defiance even. The futility of the gesture made it somehow even more admirable. The gorilla, of course, died in prison.

I hadn’t thought of that gorilla in years, but something about the congressional (ahem) "debate" over the war in Iraq brought up a thought bubble with a slinging simian inside it. The gorilla invites a comparison to modern congressional Republicans: hopelessly trapped and slinging shit. The war in Iraq will be flagged as one of history’s greatest follies and yet congressional Republicans, rather than engage in a responsible debate over the goals and objectives of the war – especially any goal or objective suggesting when and how we might get out – resort to slinging. The Democrats, they say, want to (gasp): CUT AND RUN!

(splat)

"If we break our promise and CUT AND RUN, as some would have us do, the implications could be catastrophic," – Frist, Bill. "If we CUT AND RUN in Iraq, what we will have done is prove what Osama bin Laden said." -- Kyl, John. "(The Democratic Party) is getting creamed as the party of CUT-AND-RUNNERS, the wobbly, the weak." -- Zahn, Paula. And CNN is supposed to be one of ours? What’s a good Dem to do?

Hopefully, not what congressional Dems do. Let me set the stage by returning to our hirsute hero of yesteryear in San Francisco. The zoo’s reaction, the glass barrier, was a sensible long-range solution to a fecal flinging primate. What, however, was the short-term reaction? What, for example, was the reaction of the tourist in the white shirt, coat and tie, his best girl on his arm and a surprise engagement ring in his pocket when, before he can even mouth the words "Will you marry me?" a gorilla-flung scud hits him smack between the eyes? I suggest this: I see him whirling about, facing the gorilla and, red-faced and shit-faced, picking up a huge gorilla turd and flinging it BACK at the beast!

Fight fire with fire.

But what do congressional CUT AND RUN (splat) Democrats do? Throw it back? Not a chance. "My plan is not cut and run. Their plan is lie and die." -- Kerry, John. "Lie and die" sounds more like the congressional Democrats’ plan. (I might start calling them "LD" Democrats in Kerry’s honor.)

Put modern congressional Democrats in the Tourist’s shoes and they would not throw the stuff back where it came from. No, they would be more likely to name three committees: one to study the shit and make sure it really was shit and not some faux shit intended to provoke a confrontation, a second one to study federal legislation against throwing shit at tourists in public (later struck down by the Ninth Circuit as overly broad, since it could also apply to humans), and a third to study and recommend a dry cleaning entitlement program.

Thankfully, Will Rogers never met Bill Frist. Or, for that matter, Harry Reid. Will Rogers would tell it like it is. He would say to the congressional Republicans things like, "You got us into this. Stop posturing and tell us how the hell you plan on getting us out of it!" And, "We’ve lost more than 2,500 soldiers and you seem to have no idea how many more we might lose. Let us know, you supporters of the President and his War. How many more American servicemen and servicewomen do you reasonably expect to die before you get us out of there?" And he would also ask them, "How the hell do you live with yourselves?" That’s what I think Will Rogers would say. Maybe without the cussing.

Of course, Will Rogers lived in a time before sound bites and jet engines. So, unfortunately, do many of his fellow Democrats in Congress. It’s fine to debate the niceties of when to exit Iraq, but it’s political stupidity to ignore the incoming scuds. When the Frists and Kyls hurl their beloved "cut and run" scud, the Democrats should fire back with a "bloody quagmire" scud. Who wouldn’t run from a bloody quagmire? "The Republicans have led us into a bloody quagmire and have no idea how to get us out." Now, that’s great scud! Imagery trumps concept. (It’s a shame I still have to explain it to them.)

Because, really, congressional Republicans are not patriots. They are gorillas in patriot suits.

© 2006 by Mike Tully

All content on this page © by Mike Tully