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An Interview With Barbara Lawall
(Inside Track presents the following
exclusive interview with Pima County Attorney Barbara Lawall. Everything here is
absolutely true except for most of the words.)
IT: First of all, Ms. Lawall, thank you for
agreeing to participate in this interview.
BL: It’s what Arthur Blank would do.
IT: Uh, right. "Law and Order" is your
favorite TV show.
BL: That and "Desperate Housewives."
IT: Some people find it strange that you
referenced television programs during the recent Civil Service Commission
hearing.
BL: Would Jack McCoy find it strange? Would Lenny
Briscoe? Joe Fontana? I think not.
IT: None of those people actually exist.
BL: That’s your opinion. They’re real to me.
IT: Fine. Most observers believe that the Civil
Service Commission repudiated you when they reduced the discipline you had
imposed on former Deputy County Attorneys. Do you feel repudiated?
BL: Would Arthur Blank feel repudiated?
IT: Uh, okay, I think he would feel repudiated.
BL: That’s absolute nonsense. He would not.
IT: How do you know?
BL: I know him. I understand him.
IT: But he’s a fictitious character in a
television program.
BL: You’re entitled to your opinion.
IT: Do you feel as though your staff is out of
control?
BL: No, but some of them were conspiring with
Xerox to take over the world.
IT: Hyde?
BL: Why? Is Chris Limberis coming over?
IT: No, I meant, well, never mind. Let’s talk
about Dr. Bradley Schwartz.
BL: Elizabeth Rodgers, now there’s a doctor.
IT: Do you believe Schwartz killed Dr. Stidham?
BL: Would Serena Southerlyn believe it? Did you
know she is a lesbian?
IT: Yes. No. I mean, she’s not real.
BL: Of course. You have your opinion.
IT: Let’s try this. You criticized several
members of your staff, the ones you disciplined, for having – quote – messy
personal lives. Is that really a basis for discipline?
BL: Lucy Ricardo set her nose on fire while
trying to impress Bill Holden. If one of my attorneys set fire to her nose while
trying to impress an actor, yes, I would consider discipline.
IT: Did one of your lawyers set fire to her nose?
BL: I’m sorry, that’s confidential. We can’t
talk about employees. They have rights, you know.
IT: I’m going to regret asking this, but what
would be the basis for disciplining a lawyer who set her nose on fire?
BL: Deputy County Attorneys can’t set their
noses on fire. It creates the appearance of impropriety. We’re quite serious
about this. It’s in our Mission Statement.
IT: It’s in the Mission Statement?
BL: It is now.
IT: Okeedokee. Let’s try this. The employees
you disciplined were friends of Lourdes Lopez. Is that a basis for discipline?
BL: I think Mary Alice Young would agree.
IT: But she’s not... Never mind. Do you always
reference TV shows?
BL: Only when they are real.
IT: But "Law and Order," "That
Seventies Show" and "Desperate Housewives" are not real. They are
fiction. Fiction.
BL: We’ve already had this discussion.
IT: You have indicated that the failure of one of
your Deputy County Attorneys to warn authorities that Dr. Schwartz had it in for
Dr. Stidham might have led to Stidham’s death. Did you subject the County to
potential liability? Aren’t you asking to be sued?
BL: It’s like this. Lassie is barking, barking,
barking. Don’t you think Timmy might ask why?
IT: Are you comparing Lourdes Lopez to Lassie?
Isn’t that rather demeaning?
BL: You’re right. I’ll write Lassie and
apologize.
IT: But, Lassie’s a dog.
BL: And your point is?
IT: Never mind. I have one last question. One of
the impressions we were left with after the hearing was that you seem to favor
certain employees over others. Do you play favorites with staff members?
BL: Would Arthur Blank?
IT: I don’t know. You tell me.
BL: I don’t discriminate and I don’t play
favorites. As long as my Deputy County Attorneys do their jobs I’m pleased.
Remember when they changed Darrins in "Bewitched?" Dick York was
replaced by Dick Sargent. Did Samantha treat the second Dick differently? No, of
course not. That would not be right. I feel the same way about Deputy County
Attorneys. I don’t differentiate. They are all Darrins in their own way.
IT: So, what you are saying is....
BL: Right. As far as I’m concerned, all Dicks
are alike.
IT: Thank you Ms. Lawall.
BL: Welcome, you are.
© June 23, 2005
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