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AL: Welcome back to halftime of today’s exciting college football game between the Florida State Italians and the Illinois Lawyers. Since this is a bowl game, both schools have pulled out all of the stops.

NANCY: That’s right, Al. The Italians have brought out their famous Fighting Meatball, along with the colorful Marching Wise Guys. Later on, some lucky fan will be brought out onto the field and "rubbed out" by the Wise Guys.

AL: I never get enough of that.

NANCY: Well, except for the Italian-American Anti-Defamation League, everybody loves it.

AL: But they have no sense of humor, Nancy.

NANCY’S: That’s right, Al, and it doesn’t matter. Most Italian-Americans are proud of their association with organized crime. And polls show that more than three-quarters of all Americans associate Italians with organized crime.

AL: The theme of today’s halftime show is "Are You Talkin’ To Me?" At the end of the show the song leaders and cheerleaders will beat and strip one of the tuba players.

NANCY: Is that before or after the Wise Guys?

AL: Before. The Wise Guys will be capturing the fan during the band’s performance.

NANCY: Oh, look Al! There are people coming out of the Fighting Meatball!

AL: It’s the WOPS!

NANCY: It’s the Wonderful Wops, all middle-aged Italian men dressed as Geppetto and carrying hand tools. Are you all right, Al?

AL: I’m fine. This part always makes me cry.

NANCY: Well, while Al regains his composure we will take a commercial break. When we return the Illinois band will take the field.

NANCY: Look, Al, it’s the Bright Line Band and the Shimmering Shysters! Is that slime on the field?

AL: It is indeed slime, Nancy. The Leaping Lawyers bring slime with them everywhere they go. It’s a tradition almost as old as the nickname itself. And look at those shysters go!

NANCY: The Shimmering Shysters, one hundred young coeds dressed in three piece suits and carrying briefcases, shimmying, shaking, and singing dirty limericks in Middle French.

AL: Oh, beat me, kick me, make me overturn precedent!

NANCY: And I’m sure you would, Al.

AL: Ha, ha.

NANCY: Ha, ha. Now, here is my favorite part of the program. Two members of the Bright Line Band will break ranks, head into the stands, pick out a married couple at random, and divorce them. The lucky couple wins a weekend in Las Vegas and a do-over!

AL: Will we have the traditional lawyers’ money grab, Nancy?

NANCY: What is a football game with the Illinois Lawyers without it? Yes, Al, we will have the traditional money grab. For those of you who have not seen it, the money grab occurs when we place giant fans around the stadium and invite the spectators to toss a couple of bucks in front of the fans. They are aimed directly at the field, where the Marching Lawyers of the Bright Line Band will break ranks and scramble after the money, all the while breaking each other’s necks and kicking each other’s groins.

AL: Now, that’s entertainment!

NANCY: You said it, Al. Since everybody knows lawyers only care about money, this halftime show is popular and acceptable.

AL: And, if lawyers don’t like it, well, who cares, right, Nancy?

NANCY: Right, Al. Let them sue us.

AL: (Silence)

NANCY: (Ahem) Okay, then. Stay tuned for the second half of the Italians versus the Lawyers following these brief commercial messages and station identification.

Okay, you get the point. How would you like it if you were a mascot? Would you feel honored or demeaned? I fully understand how the prancing and mincing of the Illinois mascot offends Native Americans. It is just made-up white guy hokum. And I think I get it when they complain that reduction to mascot status is hardly social progress.

I wonder if all "gentlemen" resent the Centenary Gentlemen. Do descendants of the Founding Parents resent the George Washington Colonials?

Northern Arizona University athletic teams are known as the Lumberjacks. Does their mascot, a lumberjack, demean lumberjacks? If so, would you tell that to a lumberjack?

Me neither.

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